22 but 44

Hello :)

As usual, this is a late-night rambling...

I think in the course of my lifetime I've grown and learned faster than most people my age. I can't say that it's been in the right direction, so as of yet this can't be proven as something to be proud of! I always joke about the fact that I'm actually in my 40s, emotionally and mentally, and for a while I resented this- I don't know if I still do or not, but I think I'm coming to terms with it.

As a disclaimer, I'd just like to say that my observations on my growth and perhaps maturity isn't me tooting my own horn-rather it's a reflection on who I think I am. Just making sure that's clear!

I've always had a hefty share of responsibility in my family. I'll give you a background on this. My mom is the 4th of 8, and my dad is the 3rd of 8. With much confidence, I can say that they are both the most dependable out of their siblings. My dad has been helping support his whole family since he was 15. He gave up a college career and his youth to be a breadwinner. His whole life though, he's believed that it's not the circumstances that make a person, it's the person that makes the circumstances. He's the most dedicated hard worker that I will ever know. He also cares, deeply, about his family. My mom is his rock. Without her support and patience to some difficulty they went through when they first moved here, we wouldn't be where we are as a family. My mom is beyond explanation...there are literally no words that can describe her. I am lucky to be in the presence of such a woman. Alhamdulillah. She's never had to explain anything or tell my why or how things needed to be a certain way-her example and character and confidence spoke volumes.

Pretty long background, but it's pretty important. My parents, after living their whole lives in support of others, expect nothing less from their kids. Make sense? The bar has always been very high in my family. Exceptions were never made, and my parents made it clear to us, ever since we were younger, who we were and who we needed to be. It wasn't a definition of personality, rather a definition of character. Me and my siblings range from ditz to jock to bum to whatever, but there's always been a line that can't be crossed.

One of those lines is investment in family and the realization of one's role. When I was younger, this was definitely a difficult point for me and my parents. I never went through the whole rebellious teenager phase, but I was kinda worn out...It's not that we had any more chores or had unusual responsibilities, no. It's that our parents involved us in their lives as if we were adults. This was the best and worst thing that they've done, and I'll tell you why.

I believe that at every age and stage in life, a person is ready for things and is at a certain maturity where they are able to handle something. I speculate that my parents, having been through so much in their youth-both kids of working class Palestinian refugees in a highly racist and classist Kuwait, did not see that they were putting any pressure on us that was out of the ordinary. We were involved in the decision making, stress, working-through, and thought process of almost every aspect of their (and our) life...finances, extended family, school...I still joke with my dad about the fact that I had to fill out our citizenship applications at 14.

This is were a kid or a teenager or young adult will have a hard time. Taking on the role of an adult at a young age. Not even only on a practical level, but an emotional one. Like I said earlier, I usually am the point of communication/reconciliation, or what have you, between my parents and siblings. My parents are far far beyond the cultural and social barriers of immigrants-they are actually amazingly adapted and independently thinking, mashallah. The difficulty, then, was habits and traits that they picked up from their families. Another joke (cause what else can you do with crap you need to deal with?), is the Hannon anger. Anyone with this last name will either be a)angry b)volatile c)reformed d)chill. We'll get back to which one I am later.

So, to summarize the above, I had a lot of responsibility. A lot of accountability. A lot of results expected without coaching-I learned to coach myself through things, to help myself, to fix things on my own, to self-soothe when I was uncomfortable. I didn't want my siblings to do this, so I've played that role for them. Anyone that has Arab family knows the no-nonsense approach to everything...Get over it, fix it, don't over-think, etc. This aspect has carried over into my personality, but I think I realize the limitations of people, and that every person is going through a struggle internally, externally, that they are literally the hero of.


For a while, and I'll honestly say I've only gotten over it recently, I was really tired. Exhausted: mentally, physically, emotionally. I love my family and respect the cycle of giving, but I felt like I was giving too much. My resources were being depleted. I had so much drama on my own, so much to take care of, so many things to deal with and will still need to deal with through the course of my life, that I thought it was unfair that anyone ask me to be or do anything beyond a reasonable measure. I kept telling myself that this was the manifestation of a cycle. My parents also were tired. They were worked when they were young. They gave and gave and had kids early and immigrated and made an amazing life from scratch. It was their turn to rest, and my turn to work. Mind you, this wasn't on purpose. It was a completely natural and organic process that none of us observed or were aware of. I just think too much. The resentment kicks in when I think of my own kids.

What if I repeat the cycle? That's not fair to anyone. So do I pick up a double shift and break it? Do I work this hard keeping my family intact, being a therapist/counselor/coach to 5 other people when I had no crutch of my own? I don't like to talk to my friends about issues. I don't know how. I don't find comfort in telling anyone anything...I've stuck to the saying "advice from people, comfort from Allah". I didn't -and perhaps still don't-care for comfort from anyone. Maybe that's my problem?

So after my overactive mind goes through all these things- from the decision that my parents having me at 19 and 22 was way too young and irresponsible, to wondering what life would be like if I wasn't as receptive to their teaching and ways, to what if I just leave...?

Then reality steps in, and so does my common sense, and most importantly, iman. Now I won't lie to myself and you, my random reader. It's not that I reach some sort of Nirvana about this. I'm still annoyed, still wanting to change things, and whatever. But the only difference is that I've learned to use negative sentiments as energy for change. As inspiration, if you will. I don't care to dwell because I don't like being emotionally unproductive. My friends tell me I think like a guy...which I think really cheats them of the beauty of emotional and mental strength they can achieve. I don't think that's attributable to any gender, and neither is being caring or emotional in a healthy manner. All that gender stuff is a bunch of junk to me and I think a guy or girl can have the best of both worlds in their head and heart. But that's a tangent.

So I was saying that these things step in. And Allah alone provides comfort...He sent his Prophet, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him, and the prophet said, "Sadaqah (charity) does not decrease wealth." How does this relate, dear reader? My wealth is what I can give my friends and family on a non-material level. I can't support them with money, and depending on Allah's rizq for me I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to. I have duties and responsibilities that if I don't fulfill, I'm not performing my function as a sister, daughter, friend, muslimah...and that puts me at a deficiency. But when more is taken from me than what I can apparently handle, and I think, as I stated way earlier that my resources are being depleted....I'm forgetting who my sustainer is. Those resources that, if my mind is thinking clearly, I consider sadaqah, will renew themselves naturally. My energy, my strength, my emotional scale that can only handle a certain amount...this charity that I give, inshallah, will not decrease my wealth.

So I come to the conclusion that I'll break down in a more visually appearing manner because I will need to re-read this when I want to quit my job as Mariam.

-Allah is the source of strength and any virtue or quality or provisions anyone possesses.
-Thus, they belong to Allah.
-If I acknowledge this and give out of what I have in full recognition of Allah's ownership over me, knowing that Sadaqah does not decrease wealth, then:
-The urge to quit or the feeling of being depleted is my nafs, and:
-I am able to be for people what they need me to be without having to find it difficult, and:
-Allah, azza wa jal, is the most Fair and most Generous, and there is absolutely no reason for me to believe that this is in vain and without reward or isn't the best thing for me. My strength and faith will be renewed through this, for the course of my decreed lifespan, inshallah.

I know this has been painfully long, even for me...but sometimes it's good to sort one's thoughts. I guess this is a conclusion I've already reached, but I know Allah doesn't give anyone anything they can't handle, and it's a reflection of my faith in him whether I want to believe that or not.

Alhamdulillah :)